My Blog

Here’s an old sketch, written during the summer of 2003 for a show that was (unfortunately) never produced. Maybe The Onion will pick this up as a point/counterpoint.

And it’s a little sad that it is still timely.

PENPALS (c) 2003

Setting: An elementary school.

A young girl writes a letter to her pen pal.

YOUNG GIRL:

Dear Iraq,

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chance to write you.  Things have been really busy this summer, and I’m about to go to camp.  Everyone from last year is going to be in the same bunk.  This year I hope we win the camp challenge, and beat the Minotaunk Cabin.  That would be great. 

My Mom says that you probably didn’t get the last letter I sent you … and not to be sad that I didn’t hear back.  My Dad says that you are an abhorrent entity, and you deserve what is coming your way —- my Mom says that means chocolate ice cream is going to start coming down from the sky.  I looked it up on the computer and Iraq sounds like an incredible place.  You must thank Jesus every day for that ice cream coming down from the sky.  Praised be the wonder of his name. 

The Minotaunk cabin is a bunch of jerks, like Jeff Riley and Danny Martin.  I bet you only have nice people where you are, not like the bunch of jerks here.  Last year, Jeff and Danny and the rest of the Minotaunks broke into our cabin and stole all of the candy our parents sent, and some magazines and the posters.

Enclosed is a poster of Mandy Moore, she’s a big singer here.  She’s on her “Vision” world tour, so I’m sure she’ll be playing at Iraq’s biggest stadium.

I’ve got to go, it’s time for dinner. 

In Christ, Sally.

IRAQ:

Dear Sally,

I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to write back to you.  I have received all of your letters, but due to the increased security measures, I don’t always get them quickly, or uncensored.  This summer has been very difficult for me, with an onslaught of hellfire brought upon by infidels from a foreign land.  Our beautiful mountains and serene deserts have been desecrated with the blood of our children.

Sometimes I look across the sweeping lands of my people, a land rich with milk and honey, rich civilization and culture, tarnished by craters which now litter the countryside.  I await the moment when Allah the protector, glorious be his hallowed name lashes back upon our oppressors with his powerful, invincible army.  That alone will end this time of suffering and bring back the fertility of this region.

We have many unwelcome visitors every day, sloughing in their respective imperialist troughs, raping our lands of every value they hold.  Not even the deep black blood of my mountainous belly is safe from their prying, vulture’s beaks.

I do not know this Mandy Moore, but if I were to see her, I would extend upon her identical mercy and respect that the invaders have shown the people of my land.  An iron fist inside a velvet glove of “democracy.”

Praised be the Redeemer, Allah.

Iraq

–end–

It’s late and I just started laundry. I’m still having trouble sleeping, or at least getting to sleep at a decent hour. Something happens between about 12:00midnight and 4:00a.m. and if I’m not in bed before 12:00, I won’t get to sleep before 4:00. The good news is that I’ve raced through my reading list. If you have any good books to recommend, I’ll take any suggestions. My interests right now are in non-fiction, especially autobiographies. There is something about fully-edited self-reflection that is both arrogant and fascinating.

Tomorrow includes an edit session that should last most of the day. We’re wrapping a program that’s taken us almost two years to lock down — although it has been in play for a while now. Maybe we’ll open a bottle of champagne after wrapping.

That sounds like a great idea.

I always say that I have some of the best friends in the world. However, the more and more I think about it, they are the luckiest group, too. To-date I have friends who have competed/won prizes on:

1. The Price is Right (winner)
2. Jeopardy! (TBA)
3. Greed (winer)
4. The Apprentice (TBA)
5. Dr. Phil’s Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge (grand prize winner)

New Post … William was on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Amount won TBA.

I have always had a love-hate relationship with Jeopardy. I love the show, love it so much, but they keep passing on me as a contestant.

When I was in college, I scored a 90% on the written test - 90%. I dominated the mock buzzer game and was so charming during the interview. And nothing, no calls. I was placed on an "alternate" list.

Once I got to meet Alex Trebek, he looks much younger in person.

I have my ear-piece in and have been on hold with the mobile phone company regarding a bill that makes no sense, and may have already been paid. I’m a big fan of getting things done on Saturday afternoon, so we’ll see if this actually get accomplished. The hold music is pretty good … they actually played “Clouds in My Coffee” (if that’s even the title). Haven’t heard that one in a long time.

It’s been 45 minutes and I’ve sorted my bills and shredded all the shreddables (I really like my shredder).

Monday will be the (hopefully) last doctor’s appointment clearing me to get back on something with two wheels. Keep your fingers crossed, I am in need of this return to status quo. My summer fitness has waned and I fear what a 50 mile time trial would do to me these days. Currently, I’m auditioning new training programs. I think I will need to bump up the resistance training now that the weather will be turning soon.

It’s now been 58 minutes.

A couple of weeks ago I was hired as a writer by a large ad agency, to help them punch up some copy for an enormous online project. When I say enormous - the amount of content alone is staggering. The code-monkeys will have a field day trying to figure out how to make it all functional. BUT - when it does finally work, it will be really, really funny. I’ll post the URL when it launches; currently set for November. I really liked working for them, more than I thought. For the past few years, I’ve been very “anti-establishment,” i.e. opening my own business, working with smaller, cooler agencies, rather than the WPP machines. Not that they don’t do good work, they just tend to eat up people in their infrastructure … and I much prefer workign with a creative team that’s a little more focused.

These guys were awesome, definitely with their head’s in the right place, pushing the creative. As a writer, it’s always a different experience then as a Producer, so I felt more in the creative mix; rather than supervising the entire show. Looking for an opporunity to do some work with them again soon.

“Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera is playing on the hold music.

What else can I say?

Zach and Marna had their baby girl yesterday - Penelope Harriet White. She’s very beautiful and everyone is happy and healthy. Congratulations to the new parents!

And for those of you whom this applies - for next week - Happy New Year!

- Justin