My Blog

Some people will always go the extra mile for a family member/friend/stranger. Those select few occupy personality traits somewhere between benefactor and mother. I’ve always been of the camp that believes in the golden rule. When I see someone in need, I have an instinct to help them.

A couple of days ago I stopped into a horrible bar on Halsted to try and meet up with friends. Either I was very early or very late (probably the latter) and after a lap around the bar I realized that I was alone, and in unfriendly territory.

Fuck it, make your weakness your strength - I was already out of the house. I got a drink and found a table with a man and two women. Young, maybe just out of college. To be honest, we must have had something in common - although I don’t remember what - but I ended up sitting with them for a bit. Feeling very old as their banter traipsed around getting-a-job and parents, etc… the conversation changed directions on a dime when the blond - let’s call her Katherine - I was sitting with whispered in my ear:

KATHERINE: “I’m totally into Maria (her friend) but I don’t know if she’s into me.”

My brain almost exploded. Then it almost imploded.

KATHERINE: “Will you tell her that I think she’s hot. Don’t look at her. Tell her I think she’s hot but without telling her. Gosh, I hate being married.”

I stepped down from the barstool to try and gain some extra footing.

ME: You’re married?
KATHERINE: Yes.
ME: How long have you been married?
KATHERINE: Almost two years. But I think I’m bisexual.
ME: (Choking back a sarcastic comment) Are you sure you want to find this out now?
KATHERINE: I really hate my husband, we don’t get along.
ME: Well, we all make mistakes. Maybe he feels the same way.

At this point she starts to edge into me a little bit. I have a long-standing policy of not getting in between couples, married or otherwise.

Maria is making her jealous by hanging off of this other guy. Who incidentally, was from Norway. We had a nice discussion about Norweigan music. I said I liked the Hives (which are from Sweden, I think) and he agreed and was impressed I had heard of the Hives.

So I decided to give Katherine some advice on how to make a girl jealous…

ME: First of all, you’re staring at her, and she knows it. You should know that when someone is staring at you, it creeps you out. Turn your back on her. She did.

ME: Now, regardless of what we are talking about, you have to enjoy this conversation more than she is enjoying hers.

What resulted must have looked like a brilliant exhange, when in fact it was the most boring discourse ever. We choreographed arm movements, laughter, everything. If only she could have pulled an interesting thought out - just one - it would have been saved. I bought a venus flytrap last weekend that had more thoughts on humanity.

But it was working, Maria kept looking over to see what we were up to.

Then we danced a little bit. And the whole engagement became a competition of sorts. We were winning. That’s something I love, too, a great dance partner, they are in short supply. For what Katherine lacked in original thought she made up for with some great dance floor moves. Our asses were really moving. I wonder if her first dance at her wedding had this kind of synchronicity. I even dipped her - which I am terrific at - and then again for good measure.

We sat back down and the situation had completely changed. Maria was staring at Katherine, who still had her back turned and was cooing as if she enjoyed our wasted-breath of an exchange. I would have begged for her to read me a VCR instruction manual rather than to hear her talk about her shoes.

Maria went to the bathroom. I told Katherine that now was time to make a bold move, showing strong intent. If she got nothing back from Maria, she should walk out the door without looking back,

I chatted with the Norweigan guy a little bit more, we had a lot in common. Really smart guy, on a student visa touring around the United States. We talked about the differences between Norway and America and so forth. I really love talking to people who are from/live outside this country - they have the most interesting perspectives.

The two girls came back hand in hand, said goodbye and went for the door. Katherine looked back and whispered a “thank you.”

Glad to be of assistance.

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